I wonder if cutting a ribbon for a new Barnes and Noble gives the same rush as getting the news that I'm one of the two winners for the Creative. Inspired. Happy. Mid-Career Scholarship??? Maybe one day I'll find out. 😉 Thank you, Evelyn, for your generosity and kindness and for really seeing and cheering on the individuals who are trying to successfully pivot from one career to another! ❤️🙏🏼🥳
Aww, CONGRATS again, Katrina! It was so well-deserved. I was really impressed by both your beautiful writing in the essay and your commitment to learning more about writing and really finding your way in this career!! So glad to have you as part of our little community, too!
"How to Age Disgracefully" is next up on my bedside table. (I alternate dense WWII history with things that are light and cheery--so your description makes this book a good fit!) Pooley's, "The Sober Diaries: How one woman stopped drinking and started living" was an excellent glimpse into what happens once you decide to live an alcohol-free life.
How fun to cut the ribbon!!! I’ll have to add your book rec to my list! I’ve been reading some academic stuff and my podcasts have tended toward true crime. I need a little levity!
If you see anywhere to cut back, please point it out, since this query is definitely on the longer end. Also if anyone has suggestions for comps - my current ones are Song of Achilles and Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo (older, but I feel they're still relevant). However, anything more recent would certainly be appreciated. I've been revising this one a bit after the first round of queries, so would love some general feedback also.
QUERY (edited based on Justin's comments):
In the turbulent final century of the ancient Roman Republic, Clodia Metelli is born with a fire raging inside her. She wants to follow her brothers down the path of political power and save her young sister from succumbing to her failing body – but she can’t. Her father sees her grief as weakness and makes 8-year-old Clodia a deal: he’ll give her a man’s education only if she never mentions her sister again. Clodia accepts. By the time she’s forced into marriage at age sixteen, she’s as cold and manipulative as he is – almost. Except she loves her wild little brother, and her heart skips a beat when she meets her maid’s blue eyes.
When her brother's fiery temper lands him in political hot water, he and Clodia form a covert alliance. Their partnership sustains them through conspiracies and scandals that catapult them to the top of Rome’s social circles. Behind her husband’s back, Clodia and her maid start an affair that she can’t admit is love.
Then Clodia has a daughter who looks like the sister she lost. And her brother plunges them into a scandal from which she cannot save him. Angry at her brother and overwhelmed with grief she’d never let herself feel, Clodia sinks into the darkest parts of herself and Rome and finds that power and influence may not be worth their steep price.
" with a fire raging inside her. She wants to follow her brothers down the path of political power and save her young sister from succumbing to her failing body "
- A fire of ambition? Or hate against the world or an illness? maybe clarify
- how does a job in politics help her sister? what is her sister suffering from?
- why does she have a new maid? how much time has passed?
- covert alliance sounds modern, maybe secret or something?
- is there a twist you can present at the end that shows how she may overcome? as is, it kind of sounds like she becomes depressed and stays there but I doubt that is the case. Does her maid help her?
I love the idea of a woman in ancient Rome following a "man's" education. Definitely a good premise! I can't think of any comps, unfortunately, as I don't read much historical fiction.
But, I'd cut the first paragraph from this pitch altogether, and find ways to weave that information into the query. The first paragraph just doesn't capture enough immediate interest.
Also, I'm confused by multiple details throughout this query:
1. Clodia wants to become a politician, even though she's 8 years old?
2. I'm confused about the line, "She can't help her soft spot for her youngest brother..." It feels out of left field and creates confusion when the query shifts focus to Clodia being attracted to her maid. At first, I missed the part about her maid altogether, and thought it was saying that she was attracted to her brother -- because these thoughts don't connect with each other, even though they're in the same paragraph.
3. Is her maid a man or a woman? I'm guessing a man, since the query mentions Clodia becoming pregnant. But since maids are stereotyped as women, it might help to say her "male maid" or something.
4. Also, I don't think you mean that she becomes pregnant at 8 years old. But, since the query doesn't say how much time has elapsed between paragraphs, I'm confused by this detail.
5. The last paragraph implies that Clodia gets involved with politics, but doesn't specify how.
I'd generally recommend avoiding the word "politics" altogether (e.g., "As the politics heat up") as this sounds a bit boring. Maybe focus more on the dynamics of the specific relationships involved.
Thanks so much for your feedback! I've mainly had people read my query who've already read the book so it's super helpful to hear how it reads from a fresh perspective. I'll start making some edits!
I'm mostly looking for general feedback. And if anyone has any comps from the last five years, that'd be great! Having trouble finding many specific comp titles. My query:
After a stressful day at work, James Dalton comes home to find his wife missing—replaced by a woman who looks very similar but can’t possibly be the real Tricia.
His psychiatrist tells him that he’s suffering from Capgras Delusion, a rare mental illness that makes you believe your loved one is an impostor. He prescribes James with a strange new medication, hoping to cure him.
But a friend claims that something more sinister is happening. The U.S. Government is working with aliens to run human experiments, and James is one of their test subjects. If he ever wants to see his wife again, he shouldn’t believe their lies. He must find the “real” Tricia before it’s too late.
James doesn’t know who to trust. Sure, his psychiatrist offers convenient explanations. But his confrontations with government agents, his encounters with invisible beings, and his unsettling interactions with his “wife” can’t just be written off as hallucinations.
All James ever wanted was a quiet life with Tricia. Now, he's an armed fugitive on the run, searching for answers, and desperately trying to rescue his wife—even if he must save her from himself.
I'd explain the friend a bit like "conspiracy nut friend" or "friend in the FBI" etc. to frame the relationship and quality of the claim and give us a mental picture of the characters.
I agree about removing the alien word and so it just says secret human experiments, the invisible beings alludes to it enough. The last line to save her from himself confuses me a bit, I know it's the cliff hanger but I'd like a little more context to it so I can understand why he is a potential threat/danger to her. Also what is his work? If you share his job that will also help frame how we see him.
I think the premise is super interesting! Hope you find an agent, I'd certainly give it a read. No comps for you, I'm afraid :(
The most confusing part for me is figuring out whether you just told me the actual explanation for what's happening (US gov and aliens), or whether that was just one option suggested by the friend. The way you have it written currently, I thought that was you explaining to the reader that this is what's happening, and then the next paragraph is saying that James isn't sure and doesn't know who to trust. Maybe adjusting it to something like "James's friend says x, but James writes him off as crazy", or even just adding "James writes him off as crazy" at the end of the paragraph. In its current form, the sentence about James not being able to write off unsettling events as hallucinations falls a bit flat when I thought we'd just been told that they aren't hallucinations. Also, I'd personally take out the mention of aliens and just say the government is running human experiments - for me, adding in aliens took it from dark and sinister to more silly/conspiracy-theorist.
Other smaller notes:
- I think the first sentence can be better, would suggest workshopping that a bit
- Escalating from James not being sure who to believe to being an armed fugitive in that last paragraph is too much of a leap. I'd either add one sentence explaining how that happened ("he snapped and ran from the psychiatrist", idk, however it happens), or take out that "armed fugitive" thing altogether
- I think the sentence listing "confrontations with gov agents", etc. can probably be improved and perhaps made less vague
- From the rest of this query, I have no idea why James would need to "save her from himself", so ending on that really confused me. Is that your way of saying that he thinks he might be crazy, and in that case, he should get away from her (if the woman he comes home to is actually Tricia)? Is it because the gov or aliens have targeted him? I'd say you should make the reason more clear or take it out
I am seeking representation for my historical fiction novel, NWANTA: The Chronicles of Nzubezu, complete at 90,000 words. This epic tale invites readers into the vibrant and intricately woven world of 17th-century Igbo society, where superstition, truth, and courage collide in a story of resilience and destiny.
SYNOPSIS
In a village gripped by dark secrets and mystical terrors, young Nwanta is thrust into a battle against forces that have defeated even the strongest, including his father. With the Great Seer unable to discern the path forward, Nwanta must rise above fear, forge unexpected alliances, and uncover long-buried truths.
Set against the richly detailed backdrop of pre-colonial Igbo culture, NWANTA is a story of strength and character, blending historical depth with timeless themes of bravery, identity, and hope. Nwanta’s journey is personal and universal, offering an evocative exploration of the resilience required to overcome impossible odds.
Thanks Nicole! Please let me know if you think this addressed your concerns -
V2
Fiona's Tale: The Ghost Witch
In the mist-shrouded Highlands of 17th-century Scotland, danger hunts in the shadows — and so do those who burn witches.
FIONA narrowly escaped the pyre that consumed her mother, condemned by the King’s ruthless witch Pricker John Kincaid. The flames seared a hole in her heart that only revenge could fill.
Now trained in mind, body, and craft by a secret coven, Fiona risks everything to save the accused. But when a daring rescue at a sadistic swimming trial goes wrong, she's caged by witch hunters as the suspected ‘Ghost Witch’ that has been thwarting trials across the highlands.
ALASDAIR, a conflicted witch hunter bound to his clan's orders, lives by the brutal commandments of the Malleus Maleficarum. He's meant to deliver Fiona to a tortuous fate—until highwaymen ambush their journey.
Fiona could escape. But instead, she saves him.
Both wounded, they form a fragile truce as Alasdair vows to get her home safely. But trust is a dangerous gamble in a world ruled by fear, and when he returns Fiona to her coven, his loyalties will be tested. Their forbidden bond deepens as his eyes are opened to a new way of life, but powerful forces close in as they rescue more accused —none more deadly than the notorious Pricker that killed her mother, Kincaid himself.
But even if they can survive Kincaid, can they choose each other when the world demands they be enemies?
*All magical elements mentioned in this book are derived from recorded, real-life human experiences. Yes, all of them.
Definitely an improvement! I like that you expanded on what happens in the book after he returns Fiona to her coven. My one note on that part is it's basically the same thing Fiona has been doing, but now also with this guy. So it gives the impression that nothing has really changed as a result of the events beforehand - she's still rescuing accused, Kincaid is still tracking them. I'd like to know more of what changed.
I know I didn't mention this last time, but I'd be interested to know more about the Malleus Maleficarum. From the way it's mentioned, it could be anything from a group hunting witches to a remote mountain clan - I think it would help define Alasdair more to specify what that group is.
It's so incredibly interesting that this entire book is based only on real life experiences - so interesting that I don't know if that note can just sit at the end of the query. Its current position also means it doesn't solve the "fantasy or not?" question, since the reader has to keep wondering until they get to the end. But I also see the issue in trying to put a meta note like this in the middle of the story synopsis. Up to you ultimately, I don't think it's an objectively wrong choice to have it after the query, but it might be worth starting with a sentence that intros the book as entirely based on true events. Especially since that fact changes the genre.
ROMANTIC SUSPENSE I would like feedback regarding if my hook is good enough along with any general feedback. Thanks in advance!!
Underwater archaeologist WILL HARRINGTON is haunted by his role in the death of his best friend during a treasure hunt gone wrong off the coast of Florida. Now, he faces the consequences of his actions that day as he becomes the target of a ruthless killer bent on revenge for his friend’s death. The latest attempt on his life seriously injured and hospitalized his sister.
Unable to care for her by himself, he agrees to hire her favorite nurse to help with recovery at home. PIPER DAVIS—the nurse who can’t stand him. The one he can’t get out of his mind. If she accepts the job, he’ll have to ensure her safety and keep things professional between them, which may be impossible since all he wants to do is kiss her senseless.
WILL’s well-ordered world unravels when PIPER herself becomes a target in the deadly game surrounding the Harrington family. To survive, he must confront his past and outsmart his would-be assassin—without losing the woman who’s just given him a reason to live.
I'm drawn to this premise for sure but a couple of lines hold me back.
" Now, he faces the consequences of his actions that day as he becomes the target of a ruthless killer bent on revenge for his friend’s death. The latest attempt on his life seriously injured and hospitalized his sister."
I wonder why is a ruthless killer doing something for revenge? Ruthless killer sounds more emotionless like an assassin for hire vs someone driven by revenge. ALso if it were Will's best friend, wouldn't they know something was an accident or had gone wrong? Then the phrasing the second sentence here about the sister kind of makes it come out of the blue, possibly switch it to introduce the sister first, like his sister trying to help him escape xyz gets x injury and hospitalized...etc.
I also would like to see a little more context around how Piper gets involved. The "kiss her senseless" loses me, there might be a better way to hint at the attraction and why does he have to ensure her safety?
I am concerned that there is something in my query or synopsis that is causing me not to land an offer from agent. I get lots of likes and kind words, but that's it.
In the mist-shrouded Highlands of 17th-century Scotland, danger hunts in the shadows — and so do those who burn witches.
FIONA narrowly escaped the pyre that consumed her mother, condemned by the King’s ruthless witch Pricker John Kincaid. The flames seared a hole in her heart that only revenge could fill.
Now trained in mind, body, and craft by a secret coven, Fiona risks everything to save the accused. But when a daring rescue at a sadistic swimming trial goes wrong, she's caged by witch hunters as the suspected ‘Ghost Witch’ that has been thwarting trials across the highlands.
ALASDAIR, a conflicted witch hunter bound to his clan's orders, lives by the brutal commandments of the Malleus Maleficarum. He's meant to deliver Fiona to a tortuous fate—until highwaymen ambush their journey.
Fiona could escape. But instead, she saves him.
Both wounded, they form a fragile truce as Alasdair vows to get her home safely. But trust is a dangerous gamble in a world ruled by fear, and when he returns Fiona to her coven, his loyalties will be tested. Their forbidden bond deepens as his eyes are opened to a new way of life, but powerful forces close in as they rescue more accused —none more deadly than the notorious Pricker that killed her mother, Kincaid himself.
But even if they can survive Kincaid, can they choose each other when the world demands they be enemies?
*All magical elements mentioned in this book are derived from recorded, real-life human experiences. Yes, all of them.
------------
HISTORICAL FICTION
Thank you for your input and any comps recs!
V1
-
In the mist-shrouded Highlands of 17th-century Scotland, danger hunts in the shadows — and so do those who burn witches.
FIONA narrowly escaped the pyre that consumed her mother, condemned by the King’s ruthless witch pricker John Kincaid. The flames seared a hole in her heart that only revenge could fill.
Now trained in mind, body, and craft by a secret coven, Fiona risks everything to save the accused. But when a daring rescue at a sadistic swimming trial goes wrong, she's captured by witch hunters and caged as a threat to the very innocents she's vowed to protect.
ALASDAIR, a conflicted witch hunter bound to his clan's orders, lives by the brutal commandments of the Malleus Maleficarum. He's meant to deliver Fiona to a tortuous fate—until highwaymen ambush their journey.
Fiona could escape. But instead, she saves him.
Now’s my chance. Run! Survival screamed at me…But my mother wouldn’t have left him here, and neither would I.
Both wounded, they form a fragile truce as Alasdair vows to get her home safely. But trust is a dangerous gamble in a world ruled by fear, and when Fiona returns to her coven, loyalties will be tested. As their forbidden bond deepens, powerful forces close in—none more deadly than Kincaid himself.
Fiona and Alasdair must fight together against tyranny, hatred, and hysteria.
But even if they can survive Kincaid...
Can they choose each other when the world demands they be enemies?
I think there's just too much happening in this query letter, and it's hard for me to follow. I would focus on just one or two characters, and condense how much information is shared.
There's just so many people mentioned here: Fiona and her mother, the king, John Kincaid, Alasdair and Malleus. And then, there's a whole coven of witches. There's a lot of detail here about what's going on with each of them, too, that doesn't feel essential to the query letter.
It seems like it would be better to focus on Fiona running away, and crossing paths with Alasdair, without going into all the details about it. Maybe just focus on the terror that Fiona feels, and why she's doing what she's doing.
Also, it's usually recommended to not end the synopsis section of your query letter with a question, because many agents think it's lazy writing. It's too easy to answer the question with, "No, they won't", and stop reading the query letter. It's considered better form to end with a sentence or two that raises questions or inspires curiosity, without actually asking a question directly.
Also, I don't think it's necessary to mention that all of the elements are inspired by real-life events.
I really like this! Especially that first line, I think it's great.
A few things:
- I think I'm confused as to whether Fiona is a witch. You mention the coven, so I'm assuming she is (and that witches exist). Basically, I'm not completely sure whether this will be a historical fantasy with real witches or a historical fiction about the hysteria of the witch hunts, which I think is an important distinction.
- The comment about "caged as a threat to the very innocents she's vowed to protect" was confusing, because I thought her main vow was to people accused of witchcraft, and I assumed those people would mostly be actual witches. So I wasn't sure if her vow was actually to innocent people who aren't witches, or to protecting witches. But either way, if the people she protects are the ones accused of witchcraft, then she's more locked up with them vs. as a threat against them. Right?
- I'd take out the snippet from the book ("Now's my chance." etc.), it threw me off and I believe the thing you're trying to get across (that she's a genuinely good person) comes through just through the description around that snippet. (Aka just have "she saves him. Both wounded...")
- I think the ... and line break after Kincaid should be replace by a comma, that's really just one sentence
- Honestly would love to hear a little more about Kincaid and his method of hunting witches. As it is, I forgot his name by the time I reached the last few sentences, and had to check back in the query to find it again. I'd suggest emphasizing that he's important with a little more description with his intro
My biggest note is about the end of the query after Alasdair gets her home safely. I like the writing, but I feel like I don't know what they're actually doing after he gets her home safely (meeting in the night? He's staying with her? Both arguing for each other in their respective societies?). Basically, how is their bond deepening, how are they fighting against tyranny together? Even just a fragment of a sentence giving an idea of that would help give a more of a concrete idea of what's happening. I think it's fine to be vague to some extent at the end of the query (my last sentence is too), I just think you started being vague maybe one or two sentences too early.
Nice, ping me when you do. That's what I did with mine too after Justin's comments, though I think you may have seen the old version somehow. Feel free to refresh and reread mine in case that's true.
Hi all! This pitch has been workshopped before but I'm always open to receiving new feedback. In particular, please let me know if this pitch brings to mind any recent comp titles, as my current comp titles are old though still well-known. Thanks in advance for any suggestions!
In the modern magical world, ancient rifts between the Light and Dark sides of magic reignite. When a rogue angel threatens to throw the world into upheaval, the Light fairy queen asks Princess Violet to find him and return him to his kind. Violet doesn’t expect to meet the handsome, sharp-tongued angel Blue at an underground club. She can’t help feeling drawn to him, but behind the charm, she knows he’s keeping a secret that could cost them their lives—or their magic. Her suspicions that Blue is a Dark angel grow the longer they are together, but she’s hesitant to ask too many questions. If she starts interrogating Blue, he might find out that she hasn’t been entirely honest with him.
Violet isn’t just a Light fairy; she is the Guardian, tasked with protecting dozens of people, or charges, throughout her lifetime. The Guardian role comes with magic that’s supposed to grow stronger as danger approaches, but it doesn’t make Violet infallible: one of her charges had died under her protection. When Blue’s name is cleared and he becomes Violet’s newest charge, she suffers from flashbacks of her past failure. As Violet and Blue battle demons and Dark angels who are desperate to return Blue to his home in Hell, she is terrified that he will meet the same end as her previous charge—or that she will make her ultimate sacrifice as the Guardian.
I think it sounds like an interesting premise, from what I can follow. But (and I've mentioned this on several other query letters in this thread), there's just so much happening in this synopsis section that I'm feeling overloaded on details, and having a hard time understanding what the heart of this story really is. Here are some specifics:
1) For example, it mentions "ancient rifts" between Light and Dark magic -- but that's too vague. What are these rifts? I want stakes here -- life and death struggles that entice me. Need more clear language.
2) There are a lot of terms being thrown around. Light angel, dark angel, rogue angel, guardian, fairy queen, demons... It's a lot to take in all at once. I'd narrow this down to focus on Violet's story, and why she decides to help Blue.
3) Also, what are the stakes of Violet helping Blue? So the demons and dark angels want to send Blue to hell -- why should this bother me? I don't know anything about his character, other than that Violet is attracted to him.
And it's also a vague stake to say that Violet is suffering from flashbacks of her past failure. What was the failure, and is it important to the story? Why does Violet NEED to succeed at her mission at all costs?
Basically, I want to see this query letter focus in on specific details that would really interest me. With all the information and undefined terms, it's confusing and doesn't really tell agents why they should care about Violet succeeding.
I hope this helps!
(By the way, if you're interested in starting a small group chat with some other writers who are in the pitching phase, send me a message! Hoping to put together a group of 3-5 people at the querying phase so we can all learn from each other).
The story definitely sounds interesting, but I believe the information given is out of order. The first paragraph seems to take us a decent chunk through the story, and only then do you give Violet's background. That threw me off. Also, you say in the first part that she's spending time with Blue, then say in the second paragraph that his name is cleared and Violet is now his Guardian. But I figured she was already something like that in the first paragraph, since she was assigned to bring him home, and I also figured that them getting to know each other was through their journey to his home, so I was very confused about the second paragraph seeming to restate that.
Some specific points of confusion:
1) I'm guessing that Blue is the rogue angel mentioned, but not 100% sure - it confused me that the queen asked Violet to bring him home, and then she apparently runs into him in a club?
2) So you say Violet is scared to ask questions because she's suspicious he might be a dark angel - but if there are only the two sides, and he's not supposed to be in the light side, doesn't he have to be dark? What makes him rogue? Who are his kind, if not light or dark? Or is it some difference between fairies and angels that makes him 'rogue?' (If the distinction between angels and fairies are significant, I'd suggest emphasizing that more because on my first read, I didn't even notice)
3) Is the queen Violet's mom?
4) Why does Blue's name have to be cleared? So he's not a dark angel then? Is he still not being entirely honest with Violet? But also he's from hell (which I would assume is where dark angels are from) so why does anyone in the light realm care if he goes back there? What makes this guy so important? Also, why the sudden switch from wanting to get him home to wanting to stop others from getting him home?
It feels to me like the first paragraph and the second paragraph are different drafts of the intro to this story. My suggestion would be have all the character intros in the first paragraph (including Violet's) and set up the world's important rules clearly, then take the second paragraph (and maybe 3rd) to set up the story more than you currently do. Right now, I don't know anything about the story beyond Violet and Blue hanging out in a club, and a vague description of them fighting danger as she tries to - protect him in the light realm? take him to his home that is not hell? I'm not sure.
If you're looking for a place to cut down so you can add more info, I'd suggest cutting the last three sentence of paragraph one - they basically reiterate the same idea of Blue maybe keeping secrets. You could also probably cut down on the guardian description beyond making it clear that it's an important role - the name speaks for itself.
I'm ready to bet that your novel is really interesting and something I would like to read, I just don't feel like it's coming out in this query.
(I would appreciate feedback on whether I am going in the right direction. I haven't queried ever and am hoping to start with this one. Thank You!)
There’s nothing more shattering in a relationship than confirming one’s suspicions of infidelity are real. In Before It’s Too Late, finding the truth is just the beginning.
When Avery Jackson uncovers a suspicious message on her fiance David's phone, she and her best friend Shelly craft a discreet plan to track David's movements. What begins as a quest for the truth spirals into a series of shocking revelations. She only wants the simple truth, not its unexpected twists and turns. Eventually, Avery must decide whether to endure or step away while struggling to find her voice and the courage to face her fears bravely.
Before It’s Too Late is a contemporary romance that is complete at 94,000 words. It echoes the emotional depth of Colleen Hoover’s It Ends With Us and carries the heartfelt resonance of Jill Santopolo’s The Light We Lost. Before It’s Too Late has a diverse cast and an inspiring female lead. It is a stand-alone novel with a series potential.
Romance isn't really my genre (I'm into thrillers) so take my thoughts with a grain of salt. But, infidelity should always catch people's attention.
However, as this query letter is currently written, I'm not feeling the tension that Avery should be feeling. What was the state of her relationship before -- is she shocked that David would cheat on her (because they were such a happy couple)? Or, did she see this coming, and she's angry at herself for not leaving him sooner? Something else? I'm not getting any insights into her character here.
We also need more specific details of what actually happens in the story. The lines, "What begins as a quest for the truth spirals into a series of shocking revelations. She only wants the simple truth, not its unexpected twists and turns" don't tell me anything. Is this whole story just about her Facebook stalking her fiance? That doesn't sound very interesting.
So basically, I'd like to see more specific details about the character, and how the tension is ratcheted up throughout the story, with a hint of what Avery's arc is. (I'd recommend reading James Scott Bell's book "Conflict and Suspense" to learn more about how conflict drives a story forward -- it would really help with writing in general, and with approaching this query letter).
Also, I wouldn't comp Colleen Hoover because she's such a famous author that it can sound overconfident. And I wouldn't mention the "stand-alone novel with a series potential" bit. Just focus on what makes this story interesting.
Former teacher, Roselyn Baird, has taken a new job with The Rewind Agency, an organization that intervenes to help young people avoid making decisions that might send them down a disastrous life path. Roselyn’s first assignment takes her back to 1984 where, to her surprise, she is assigned to mentor her teenage self. She has the opportunity to fix one mistake from that period of time, but first Roselyn must determine what is her biggest regret from thirty years ago so she can figure out how to make things right. Since Roselyn has repressed the trauma of her teenage years, her memories are murky. And she also has to worry about the impact - positive or negative - her actions might have on her present life.
It's a fun premise! But I don't think there's enough detail here -- I'd recommend adding two or three paragraphs of further information. Maybe giving a bit more details about Roselyn's characteristics, and who/what the antagonist is.
I like the opening three sentences, but the last two need to be expanded more.
Thank you for the advice. I will add more detail to the end.
I was led to believe that the synopsis in a query should be short and sweet. I see some really long ones on here. Would an agent even bother reading that much?
Generally, you want to give just enough information that it answers the right questions, but also insights curiosity, and that it showcases some elements of your style or matches the feel of your book.
I've often heard that you should aim for three paragraphs for the "synopsis" section of the query letter, but I think it depends on how long or short your paragraphs are. I do think some people's query letters on this thread are too long / overly detailed, so checking out examples of successful query letters from the past might give you a better idea.
I wonder if cutting a ribbon for a new Barnes and Noble gives the same rush as getting the news that I'm one of the two winners for the Creative. Inspired. Happy. Mid-Career Scholarship??? Maybe one day I'll find out. 😉 Thank you, Evelyn, for your generosity and kindness and for really seeing and cheering on the individuals who are trying to successfully pivot from one career to another! ❤️🙏🏼🥳
Aww, CONGRATS again, Katrina! It was so well-deserved. I was really impressed by both your beautiful writing in the essay and your commitment to learning more about writing and really finding your way in this career!! So glad to have you as part of our little community, too!
Congratulations to the winners! How to Agr Disgracefully is on my TBR!
Thanks, Barb!
"How to Age Disgracefully" is next up on my bedside table. (I alternate dense WWII history with things that are light and cheery--so your description makes this book a good fit!) Pooley's, "The Sober Diaries: How one woman stopped drinking and started living" was an excellent glimpse into what happens once you decide to live an alcohol-free life.
Congratulations on the ribbon cutting ceremony! It looks like so much fun! 🤩 woohoo 🎉
How fun to cut the ribbon!!! I’ll have to add your book rec to my list! I’ve been reading some academic stuff and my podcasts have tended toward true crime. I need a little levity!
Is anyone here interested in critique partners?
HISTORICAL FICTION
If you see anywhere to cut back, please point it out, since this query is definitely on the longer end. Also if anyone has suggestions for comps - my current ones are Song of Achilles and Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo (older, but I feel they're still relevant). However, anything more recent would certainly be appreciated. I've been revising this one a bit after the first round of queries, so would love some general feedback also.
QUERY (edited based on Justin's comments):
In the turbulent final century of the ancient Roman Republic, Clodia Metelli is born with a fire raging inside her. She wants to follow her brothers down the path of political power and save her young sister from succumbing to her failing body – but she can’t. Her father sees her grief as weakness and makes 8-year-old Clodia a deal: he’ll give her a man’s education only if she never mentions her sister again. Clodia accepts. By the time she’s forced into marriage at age sixteen, she’s as cold and manipulative as he is – almost. Except she loves her wild little brother, and her heart skips a beat when she meets her maid’s blue eyes.
When her brother's fiery temper lands him in political hot water, he and Clodia form a covert alliance. Their partnership sustains them through conspiracies and scandals that catapult them to the top of Rome’s social circles. Behind her husband’s back, Clodia and her maid start an affair that she can’t admit is love.
Then Clodia has a daughter who looks like the sister she lost. And her brother plunges them into a scandal from which she cannot save him. Angry at her brother and overwhelmed with grief she’d never let herself feel, Clodia sinks into the darkest parts of herself and Rome and finds that power and influence may not be worth their steep price.
Super interested in this premise!
A couple thoughts -
" with a fire raging inside her. She wants to follow her brothers down the path of political power and save her young sister from succumbing to her failing body "
- A fire of ambition? Or hate against the world or an illness? maybe clarify
- how does a job in politics help her sister? what is her sister suffering from?
- why does she have a new maid? how much time has passed?
- covert alliance sounds modern, maybe secret or something?
- is there a twist you can present at the end that shows how she may overcome? as is, it kind of sounds like she becomes depressed and stays there but I doubt that is the case. Does her maid help her?
Thanks so much for the feedback!
I love the idea of a woman in ancient Rome following a "man's" education. Definitely a good premise! I can't think of any comps, unfortunately, as I don't read much historical fiction.
But, I'd cut the first paragraph from this pitch altogether, and find ways to weave that information into the query. The first paragraph just doesn't capture enough immediate interest.
Also, I'm confused by multiple details throughout this query:
1. Clodia wants to become a politician, even though she's 8 years old?
2. I'm confused about the line, "She can't help her soft spot for her youngest brother..." It feels out of left field and creates confusion when the query shifts focus to Clodia being attracted to her maid. At first, I missed the part about her maid altogether, and thought it was saying that she was attracted to her brother -- because these thoughts don't connect with each other, even though they're in the same paragraph.
3. Is her maid a man or a woman? I'm guessing a man, since the query mentions Clodia becoming pregnant. But since maids are stereotyped as women, it might help to say her "male maid" or something.
4. Also, I don't think you mean that she becomes pregnant at 8 years old. But, since the query doesn't say how much time has elapsed between paragraphs, I'm confused by this detail.
5. The last paragraph implies that Clodia gets involved with politics, but doesn't specify how.
I'd generally recommend avoiding the word "politics" altogether (e.g., "As the politics heat up") as this sounds a bit boring. Maybe focus more on the dynamics of the specific relationships involved.
Thanks so much for your feedback! I've mainly had people read my query who've already read the book so it's super helpful to hear how it reads from a fresh perspective. I'll start making some edits!
PSYCHOLOGICAL THRILLER
I'm mostly looking for general feedback. And if anyone has any comps from the last five years, that'd be great! Having trouble finding many specific comp titles. My query:
After a stressful day at work, James Dalton comes home to find his wife missing—replaced by a woman who looks very similar but can’t possibly be the real Tricia.
His psychiatrist tells him that he’s suffering from Capgras Delusion, a rare mental illness that makes you believe your loved one is an impostor. He prescribes James with a strange new medication, hoping to cure him.
But a friend claims that something more sinister is happening. The U.S. Government is working with aliens to run human experiments, and James is one of their test subjects. If he ever wants to see his wife again, he shouldn’t believe their lies. He must find the “real” Tricia before it’s too late.
James doesn’t know who to trust. Sure, his psychiatrist offers convenient explanations. But his confrontations with government agents, his encounters with invisible beings, and his unsettling interactions with his “wife” can’t just be written off as hallucinations.
All James ever wanted was a quiet life with Tricia. Now, he's an armed fugitive on the run, searching for answers, and desperately trying to rescue his wife—even if he must save her from himself.
I'd explain the friend a bit like "conspiracy nut friend" or "friend in the FBI" etc. to frame the relationship and quality of the claim and give us a mental picture of the characters.
I agree about removing the alien word and so it just says secret human experiments, the invisible beings alludes to it enough. The last line to save her from himself confuses me a bit, I know it's the cliff hanger but I'd like a little more context to it so I can understand why he is a potential threat/danger to her. Also what is his work? If you share his job that will also help frame how we see him.
Thank you for your thoughts, Kellsie! That will help me bring more clarity to this query.
I think the premise is super interesting! Hope you find an agent, I'd certainly give it a read. No comps for you, I'm afraid :(
The most confusing part for me is figuring out whether you just told me the actual explanation for what's happening (US gov and aliens), or whether that was just one option suggested by the friend. The way you have it written currently, I thought that was you explaining to the reader that this is what's happening, and then the next paragraph is saying that James isn't sure and doesn't know who to trust. Maybe adjusting it to something like "James's friend says x, but James writes him off as crazy", or even just adding "James writes him off as crazy" at the end of the paragraph. In its current form, the sentence about James not being able to write off unsettling events as hallucinations falls a bit flat when I thought we'd just been told that they aren't hallucinations. Also, I'd personally take out the mention of aliens and just say the government is running human experiments - for me, adding in aliens took it from dark and sinister to more silly/conspiracy-theorist.
Other smaller notes:
- I think the first sentence can be better, would suggest workshopping that a bit
- Escalating from James not being sure who to believe to being an armed fugitive in that last paragraph is too much of a leap. I'd either add one sentence explaining how that happened ("he snapped and ran from the psychiatrist", idk, however it happens), or take out that "armed fugitive" thing altogether
- I think the sentence listing "confrontations with gov agents", etc. can probably be improved and perhaps made less vague
- From the rest of this query, I have no idea why James would need to "save her from himself", so ending on that really confused me. Is that your way of saying that he thinks he might be crazy, and in that case, he should get away from her (if the woman he comes home to is actually Tricia)? Is it because the gov or aliens have targeted him? I'd say you should make the reason more clear or take it out
Good luck with querying!
Thanks for the thoughtful feedback Nicole!
Yeah, early on I wanted to exclude the aliens from the pitch. I introduce it to the story in a unique way, but it's hard to describe it in the pitch.
I had some people say I shouldn't exclude it -- but I might try excluding it on my next round of pitches.
HISTORICAL FICTION
I am seeking representation for my historical fiction novel, NWANTA: The Chronicles of Nzubezu, complete at 90,000 words. This epic tale invites readers into the vibrant and intricately woven world of 17th-century Igbo society, where superstition, truth, and courage collide in a story of resilience and destiny.
SYNOPSIS
In a village gripped by dark secrets and mystical terrors, young Nwanta is thrust into a battle against forces that have defeated even the strongest, including his father. With the Great Seer unable to discern the path forward, Nwanta must rise above fear, forge unexpected alliances, and uncover long-buried truths.
Set against the richly detailed backdrop of pre-colonial Igbo culture, NWANTA is a story of strength and character, blending historical depth with timeless themes of bravery, identity, and hope. Nwanta’s journey is personal and universal, offering an evocative exploration of the resilience required to overcome impossible odds.
Thanks Nicole! Please let me know if you think this addressed your concerns -
V2
Fiona's Tale: The Ghost Witch
In the mist-shrouded Highlands of 17th-century Scotland, danger hunts in the shadows — and so do those who burn witches.
FIONA narrowly escaped the pyre that consumed her mother, condemned by the King’s ruthless witch Pricker John Kincaid. The flames seared a hole in her heart that only revenge could fill.
Now trained in mind, body, and craft by a secret coven, Fiona risks everything to save the accused. But when a daring rescue at a sadistic swimming trial goes wrong, she's caged by witch hunters as the suspected ‘Ghost Witch’ that has been thwarting trials across the highlands.
ALASDAIR, a conflicted witch hunter bound to his clan's orders, lives by the brutal commandments of the Malleus Maleficarum. He's meant to deliver Fiona to a tortuous fate—until highwaymen ambush their journey.
Fiona could escape. But instead, she saves him.
Both wounded, they form a fragile truce as Alasdair vows to get her home safely. But trust is a dangerous gamble in a world ruled by fear, and when he returns Fiona to her coven, his loyalties will be tested. Their forbidden bond deepens as his eyes are opened to a new way of life, but powerful forces close in as they rescue more accused —none more deadly than the notorious Pricker that killed her mother, Kincaid himself.
But even if they can survive Kincaid, can they choose each other when the world demands they be enemies?
*All magical elements mentioned in this book are derived from recorded, real-life human experiences. Yes, all of them.
Definitely an improvement! I like that you expanded on what happens in the book after he returns Fiona to her coven. My one note on that part is it's basically the same thing Fiona has been doing, but now also with this guy. So it gives the impression that nothing has really changed as a result of the events beforehand - she's still rescuing accused, Kincaid is still tracking them. I'd like to know more of what changed.
I know I didn't mention this last time, but I'd be interested to know more about the Malleus Maleficarum. From the way it's mentioned, it could be anything from a group hunting witches to a remote mountain clan - I think it would help define Alasdair more to specify what that group is.
It's so incredibly interesting that this entire book is based only on real life experiences - so interesting that I don't know if that note can just sit at the end of the query. Its current position also means it doesn't solve the "fantasy or not?" question, since the reader has to keep wondering until they get to the end. But I also see the issue in trying to put a meta note like this in the middle of the story synopsis. Up to you ultimately, I don't think it's an objectively wrong choice to have it after the query, but it might be worth starting with a sentence that intros the book as entirely based on true events. Especially since that fact changes the genre.
ROMANTIC SUSPENSE I would like feedback regarding if my hook is good enough along with any general feedback. Thanks in advance!!
Underwater archaeologist WILL HARRINGTON is haunted by his role in the death of his best friend during a treasure hunt gone wrong off the coast of Florida. Now, he faces the consequences of his actions that day as he becomes the target of a ruthless killer bent on revenge for his friend’s death. The latest attempt on his life seriously injured and hospitalized his sister.
Unable to care for her by himself, he agrees to hire her favorite nurse to help with recovery at home. PIPER DAVIS—the nurse who can’t stand him. The one he can’t get out of his mind. If she accepts the job, he’ll have to ensure her safety and keep things professional between them, which may be impossible since all he wants to do is kiss her senseless.
WILL’s well-ordered world unravels when PIPER herself becomes a target in the deadly game surrounding the Harrington family. To survive, he must confront his past and outsmart his would-be assassin—without losing the woman who’s just given him a reason to live.
I'm drawn to this premise for sure but a couple of lines hold me back.
" Now, he faces the consequences of his actions that day as he becomes the target of a ruthless killer bent on revenge for his friend’s death. The latest attempt on his life seriously injured and hospitalized his sister."
I wonder why is a ruthless killer doing something for revenge? Ruthless killer sounds more emotionless like an assassin for hire vs someone driven by revenge. ALso if it were Will's best friend, wouldn't they know something was an accident or had gone wrong? Then the phrasing the second sentence here about the sister kind of makes it come out of the blue, possibly switch it to introduce the sister first, like his sister trying to help him escape xyz gets x injury and hospitalized...etc.
I also would like to see a little more context around how Piper gets involved. The "kiss her senseless" loses me, there might be a better way to hint at the attraction and why does he have to ensure her safety?
Thank you so much for your insight Kellsie! I truly appreciate it!
I am concerned that there is something in my query or synopsis that is causing me not to land an offer from agent. I get lots of likes and kind words, but that's it.
V2
Fiona's Tale: The Ghost Witch
In the mist-shrouded Highlands of 17th-century Scotland, danger hunts in the shadows — and so do those who burn witches.
FIONA narrowly escaped the pyre that consumed her mother, condemned by the King’s ruthless witch Pricker John Kincaid. The flames seared a hole in her heart that only revenge could fill.
Now trained in mind, body, and craft by a secret coven, Fiona risks everything to save the accused. But when a daring rescue at a sadistic swimming trial goes wrong, she's caged by witch hunters as the suspected ‘Ghost Witch’ that has been thwarting trials across the highlands.
ALASDAIR, a conflicted witch hunter bound to his clan's orders, lives by the brutal commandments of the Malleus Maleficarum. He's meant to deliver Fiona to a tortuous fate—until highwaymen ambush their journey.
Fiona could escape. But instead, she saves him.
Both wounded, they form a fragile truce as Alasdair vows to get her home safely. But trust is a dangerous gamble in a world ruled by fear, and when he returns Fiona to her coven, his loyalties will be tested. Their forbidden bond deepens as his eyes are opened to a new way of life, but powerful forces close in as they rescue more accused —none more deadly than the notorious Pricker that killed her mother, Kincaid himself.
But even if they can survive Kincaid, can they choose each other when the world demands they be enemies?
*All magical elements mentioned in this book are derived from recorded, real-life human experiences. Yes, all of them.
------------
HISTORICAL FICTION
Thank you for your input and any comps recs!
V1
-
In the mist-shrouded Highlands of 17th-century Scotland, danger hunts in the shadows — and so do those who burn witches.
FIONA narrowly escaped the pyre that consumed her mother, condemned by the King’s ruthless witch pricker John Kincaid. The flames seared a hole in her heart that only revenge could fill.
Now trained in mind, body, and craft by a secret coven, Fiona risks everything to save the accused. But when a daring rescue at a sadistic swimming trial goes wrong, she's captured by witch hunters and caged as a threat to the very innocents she's vowed to protect.
ALASDAIR, a conflicted witch hunter bound to his clan's orders, lives by the brutal commandments of the Malleus Maleficarum. He's meant to deliver Fiona to a tortuous fate—until highwaymen ambush their journey.
Fiona could escape. But instead, she saves him.
Now’s my chance. Run! Survival screamed at me…But my mother wouldn’t have left him here, and neither would I.
Both wounded, they form a fragile truce as Alasdair vows to get her home safely. But trust is a dangerous gamble in a world ruled by fear, and when Fiona returns to her coven, loyalties will be tested. As their forbidden bond deepens, powerful forces close in—none more deadly than Kincaid himself.
Fiona and Alasdair must fight together against tyranny, hatred, and hysteria.
But even if they can survive Kincaid...
Can they choose each other when the world demands they be enemies?
I think there's just too much happening in this query letter, and it's hard for me to follow. I would focus on just one or two characters, and condense how much information is shared.
There's just so many people mentioned here: Fiona and her mother, the king, John Kincaid, Alasdair and Malleus. And then, there's a whole coven of witches. There's a lot of detail here about what's going on with each of them, too, that doesn't feel essential to the query letter.
It seems like it would be better to focus on Fiona running away, and crossing paths with Alasdair, without going into all the details about it. Maybe just focus on the terror that Fiona feels, and why she's doing what she's doing.
Also, it's usually recommended to not end the synopsis section of your query letter with a question, because many agents think it's lazy writing. It's too easy to answer the question with, "No, they won't", and stop reading the query letter. It's considered better form to end with a sentence or two that raises questions or inspires curiosity, without actually asking a question directly.
Also, I don't think it's necessary to mention that all of the elements are inspired by real-life events.
Hope that helps!
I really like this! Especially that first line, I think it's great.
A few things:
- I think I'm confused as to whether Fiona is a witch. You mention the coven, so I'm assuming she is (and that witches exist). Basically, I'm not completely sure whether this will be a historical fantasy with real witches or a historical fiction about the hysteria of the witch hunts, which I think is an important distinction.
- The comment about "caged as a threat to the very innocents she's vowed to protect" was confusing, because I thought her main vow was to people accused of witchcraft, and I assumed those people would mostly be actual witches. So I wasn't sure if her vow was actually to innocent people who aren't witches, or to protecting witches. But either way, if the people she protects are the ones accused of witchcraft, then she's more locked up with them vs. as a threat against them. Right?
- I'd take out the snippet from the book ("Now's my chance." etc.), it threw me off and I believe the thing you're trying to get across (that she's a genuinely good person) comes through just through the description around that snippet. (Aka just have "she saves him. Both wounded...")
- I think the ... and line break after Kincaid should be replace by a comma, that's really just one sentence
- Honestly would love to hear a little more about Kincaid and his method of hunting witches. As it is, I forgot his name by the time I reached the last few sentences, and had to check back in the query to find it again. I'd suggest emphasizing that he's important with a little more description with his intro
My biggest note is about the end of the query after Alasdair gets her home safely. I like the writing, but I feel like I don't know what they're actually doing after he gets her home safely (meeting in the night? He's staying with her? Both arguing for each other in their respective societies?). Basically, how is their bond deepening, how are they fighting against tyranny together? Even just a fragment of a sentence giving an idea of that would help give a more of a concrete idea of what's happening. I think it's fine to be vague to some extent at the end of the query (my last sentence is too), I just think you started being vague maybe one or two sentences too early.
Good luck and happy querying!
Thank you, so helpful! I'm going to rework and paste again.
Nice, ping me when you do. That's what I did with mine too after Justin's comments, though I think you may have seen the old version somehow. Feel free to refresh and reread mine in case that's true.
YOUNG ADULT FANTASY
Hi all! This pitch has been workshopped before but I'm always open to receiving new feedback. In particular, please let me know if this pitch brings to mind any recent comp titles, as my current comp titles are old though still well-known. Thanks in advance for any suggestions!
In the modern magical world, ancient rifts between the Light and Dark sides of magic reignite. When a rogue angel threatens to throw the world into upheaval, the Light fairy queen asks Princess Violet to find him and return him to his kind. Violet doesn’t expect to meet the handsome, sharp-tongued angel Blue at an underground club. She can’t help feeling drawn to him, but behind the charm, she knows he’s keeping a secret that could cost them their lives—or their magic. Her suspicions that Blue is a Dark angel grow the longer they are together, but she’s hesitant to ask too many questions. If she starts interrogating Blue, he might find out that she hasn’t been entirely honest with him.
Violet isn’t just a Light fairy; she is the Guardian, tasked with protecting dozens of people, or charges, throughout her lifetime. The Guardian role comes with magic that’s supposed to grow stronger as danger approaches, but it doesn’t make Violet infallible: one of her charges had died under her protection. When Blue’s name is cleared and he becomes Violet’s newest charge, she suffers from flashbacks of her past failure. As Violet and Blue battle demons and Dark angels who are desperate to return Blue to his home in Hell, she is terrified that he will meet the same end as her previous charge—or that she will make her ultimate sacrifice as the Guardian.
I think it sounds like an interesting premise, from what I can follow. But (and I've mentioned this on several other query letters in this thread), there's just so much happening in this synopsis section that I'm feeling overloaded on details, and having a hard time understanding what the heart of this story really is. Here are some specifics:
1) For example, it mentions "ancient rifts" between Light and Dark magic -- but that's too vague. What are these rifts? I want stakes here -- life and death struggles that entice me. Need more clear language.
2) There are a lot of terms being thrown around. Light angel, dark angel, rogue angel, guardian, fairy queen, demons... It's a lot to take in all at once. I'd narrow this down to focus on Violet's story, and why she decides to help Blue.
3) Also, what are the stakes of Violet helping Blue? So the demons and dark angels want to send Blue to hell -- why should this bother me? I don't know anything about his character, other than that Violet is attracted to him.
And it's also a vague stake to say that Violet is suffering from flashbacks of her past failure. What was the failure, and is it important to the story? Why does Violet NEED to succeed at her mission at all costs?
Basically, I want to see this query letter focus in on specific details that would really interest me. With all the information and undefined terms, it's confusing and doesn't really tell agents why they should care about Violet succeeding.
I hope this helps!
(By the way, if you're interested in starting a small group chat with some other writers who are in the pitching phase, send me a message! Hoping to put together a group of 3-5 people at the querying phase so we can all learn from each other).
Thank so much, Justin, for taking the time to share your feedback!
Best,
Jill
The story definitely sounds interesting, but I believe the information given is out of order. The first paragraph seems to take us a decent chunk through the story, and only then do you give Violet's background. That threw me off. Also, you say in the first part that she's spending time with Blue, then say in the second paragraph that his name is cleared and Violet is now his Guardian. But I figured she was already something like that in the first paragraph, since she was assigned to bring him home, and I also figured that them getting to know each other was through their journey to his home, so I was very confused about the second paragraph seeming to restate that.
Some specific points of confusion:
1) I'm guessing that Blue is the rogue angel mentioned, but not 100% sure - it confused me that the queen asked Violet to bring him home, and then she apparently runs into him in a club?
2) So you say Violet is scared to ask questions because she's suspicious he might be a dark angel - but if there are only the two sides, and he's not supposed to be in the light side, doesn't he have to be dark? What makes him rogue? Who are his kind, if not light or dark? Or is it some difference between fairies and angels that makes him 'rogue?' (If the distinction between angels and fairies are significant, I'd suggest emphasizing that more because on my first read, I didn't even notice)
3) Is the queen Violet's mom?
4) Why does Blue's name have to be cleared? So he's not a dark angel then? Is he still not being entirely honest with Violet? But also he's from hell (which I would assume is where dark angels are from) so why does anyone in the light realm care if he goes back there? What makes this guy so important? Also, why the sudden switch from wanting to get him home to wanting to stop others from getting him home?
It feels to me like the first paragraph and the second paragraph are different drafts of the intro to this story. My suggestion would be have all the character intros in the first paragraph (including Violet's) and set up the world's important rules clearly, then take the second paragraph (and maybe 3rd) to set up the story more than you currently do. Right now, I don't know anything about the story beyond Violet and Blue hanging out in a club, and a vague description of them fighting danger as she tries to - protect him in the light realm? take him to his home that is not hell? I'm not sure.
If you're looking for a place to cut down so you can add more info, I'd suggest cutting the last three sentence of paragraph one - they basically reiterate the same idea of Blue maybe keeping secrets. You could also probably cut down on the guardian description beyond making it clear that it's an important role - the name speaks for itself.
I'm ready to bet that your novel is really interesting and something I would like to read, I just don't feel like it's coming out in this query.
Good luck and happy querying!
Thank you Nicole, I will take your feedback into consideration!
Best,
Jill
ROMANCE
(I would appreciate feedback on whether I am going in the right direction. I haven't queried ever and am hoping to start with this one. Thank You!)
There’s nothing more shattering in a relationship than confirming one’s suspicions of infidelity are real. In Before It’s Too Late, finding the truth is just the beginning.
When Avery Jackson uncovers a suspicious message on her fiance David's phone, she and her best friend Shelly craft a discreet plan to track David's movements. What begins as a quest for the truth spirals into a series of shocking revelations. She only wants the simple truth, not its unexpected twists and turns. Eventually, Avery must decide whether to endure or step away while struggling to find her voice and the courage to face her fears bravely.
Before It’s Too Late is a contemporary romance that is complete at 94,000 words. It echoes the emotional depth of Colleen Hoover’s It Ends With Us and carries the heartfelt resonance of Jill Santopolo’s The Light We Lost. Before It’s Too Late has a diverse cast and an inspiring female lead. It is a stand-alone novel with a series potential.
Romance isn't really my genre (I'm into thrillers) so take my thoughts with a grain of salt. But, infidelity should always catch people's attention.
However, as this query letter is currently written, I'm not feeling the tension that Avery should be feeling. What was the state of her relationship before -- is she shocked that David would cheat on her (because they were such a happy couple)? Or, did she see this coming, and she's angry at herself for not leaving him sooner? Something else? I'm not getting any insights into her character here.
We also need more specific details of what actually happens in the story. The lines, "What begins as a quest for the truth spirals into a series of shocking revelations. She only wants the simple truth, not its unexpected twists and turns" don't tell me anything. Is this whole story just about her Facebook stalking her fiance? That doesn't sound very interesting.
So basically, I'd like to see more specific details about the character, and how the tension is ratcheted up throughout the story, with a hint of what Avery's arc is. (I'd recommend reading James Scott Bell's book "Conflict and Suspense" to learn more about how conflict drives a story forward -- it would really help with writing in general, and with approaching this query letter).
Also, I wouldn't comp Colleen Hoover because she's such a famous author that it can sound overconfident. And I wouldn't mention the "stand-alone novel with a series potential" bit. Just focus on what makes this story interesting.
Hope that helps!
Thanks so much, Justin! I appreciate your honesty and will go over all the points you mentioned.
WOMEN’S FICTION
Looking for general feedback.
Former teacher, Roselyn Baird, has taken a new job with The Rewind Agency, an organization that intervenes to help young people avoid making decisions that might send them down a disastrous life path. Roselyn’s first assignment takes her back to 1984 where, to her surprise, she is assigned to mentor her teenage self. She has the opportunity to fix one mistake from that period of time, but first Roselyn must determine what is her biggest regret from thirty years ago so she can figure out how to make things right. Since Roselyn has repressed the trauma of her teenage years, her memories are murky. And she also has to worry about the impact - positive or negative - her actions might have on her present life.
It's a fun premise! But I don't think there's enough detail here -- I'd recommend adding two or three paragraphs of further information. Maybe giving a bit more details about Roselyn's characteristics, and who/what the antagonist is.
I like the opening three sentences, but the last two need to be expanded more.
Thank you for the advice. I will add more detail to the end.
I was led to believe that the synopsis in a query should be short and sweet. I see some really long ones on here. Would an agent even bother reading that much?
I'd recommend reading / listening to some advice from Alyssa Matesic. Here's an article about query letters I found particularly helpful: https://www.alyssamatesic.com/free-writing-resources/successful-query-letter-examples
Generally, you want to give just enough information that it answers the right questions, but also insights curiosity, and that it showcases some elements of your style or matches the feel of your book.
I've often heard that you should aim for three paragraphs for the "synopsis" section of the query letter, but I think it depends on how long or short your paragraphs are. I do think some people's query letters on this thread are too long / overly detailed, so checking out examples of successful query letters from the past might give you a better idea.